Contacts

 

I don’t travel as much as I used to but recently I made the mistake of taking a flight out of DFW on a Saturday morning in early June. The terminal was crowded and chaotic; packed with families and infrequent air travelers. The TSA and airline employees might as well have been robots.  I take that back, robots would likely have had more personality and been more efficient.  Even the flight attendants were just going through the motions, avoiding eye contact and mostly huddled up in the galley. The flight was completely full and like the passengers, the flight attendants just wanted the whole thing to be over as soon as possible.

 

It got me to thinking about how we relate to other people. I believe our contacts with others are either Transactional or Relational.  Most contacts tend to be Transactional, more so for some of us than others. For example, on the flight back home I got an upgrade to first class. I sat next to a gentleman who was probably about my age. I boarded ahead of him and had an aisle seat. When he came on board he nodded toward the window seat. I got up and let him in. During the flight he got up to go to the bathroom and was nimble enough to step over and around me. Not a single word was exchanged between us…ever during the entire flight. 

 

I know he could talk because he spoke to someone on his cell phone before we took off.  And he told the flight attendant what he wanted to drink and later his choice for breakfast.  He knew I could talk because I spoke with the flight attendant as well.  We were both readers.  He had a real book, a thick paperback about the American Revolutionary War.  I was re-reading Mere Christianity on my Kindle.  Perhaps he caught a glimpse of that and thought better of speaking to me lest I try to convert him. But neither of us made any attempt to speak directly with the other.  It was a silent transactional relationship. We happened to be sitting next to each other on an airplane. We respected each others’ space and privacy.  There was no other transaction to be had nor was there any interest in a relationship, however brief.

 

In my experience, when it comes to “contact”, most people tend to be either Initiators or Responders. At my core I am a Responder.  I rarely initiate contact unless it’s necessary.  In my work life it has been necessary and I do it rather well. But if a contact is primarily transactional with no apparent reason for it being more, I rarely go beyond saying what is necessary to complete the transaction. If you are waiting in line behind me you’ll be happy. I won’t be chatting up a ticket agent, a cashier or the person behind the counter taking my order.  

 

But I’m also Relational when it comes to contacts. If the opportunity presents itself I will make an effort to know more about you. If it’s on track to being a “relational contact” I will share quite a bit about myself. However, I cannot stand pretense and if I sense someone is not being honest and genuine, or it’s all about them...we’re pretty much done.

 

My wife on the other hand is an Initiator. She will strike up conversations with total strangers and proceed to shower a lot of attention on them. I think she gets away with it because she’s an attractive woman and just has a way of making people feel important. I am certain that she restrains herself when I’m around to avoid my “What the hell was that about?” questions afterwards.

 

My advice, know yourself and be prepared to know your audience. Some people are Initiators and some are Responders.  Some will never move beyond Transactional and some will rush to become Relational.  Be wary of Initiators if you aren’t sure about their motives. Some are like my wife, outgoing and just love people. But many simply want something from you. So watch out and pay attention.

 

Whether you are an Initiator or a Responder, avoid pretense and just be yourself if you wish to move beyond the Transactional level. And if you happen to be sitting next to me on an airplane, don’t be afraid to ask where I’m from or what I do. We’ll have a nice chat.